Book Excerpts


healthy relationships

“You might be thinking “oh… another self-help book.” Understandable. I have read them all, and contrary to popular belief, a book is not going to fix our psychological problems. But this is not just another psychology self-help book. The purpose of this guidebook is to describe the basic but fundamental aspects that take place in relationship dynamics. Why is this not just another psychology self-help book? There are plenty out there and they do a good job of covering whatever their subject matter is. They are usually written by well-known experts in the field of love and relationships and based on years of scientific research. However, there are not many resources that lay out a clear, deep and realistic pathway of the personal journey and intrinsic work that improving your relationships involves.  People spend precious time and energy on multiple books and resources to gain some idea of what applies to them. Sometimes they get so overwhelmed with the search, they stop trying altogether. Here I have summarized the most useful information and knowledge I have received from training, text books, self-help books, and clinical and personal experience in order to explain in simple terms what everybody needs to know about the basics of relationship dynamics and what roles we play in them.”

It is important to understand our role in relationships so that we aren’t victims of our past. By understanding our unconscious we can set ourselves free. We can’t change what we don’t know.  Once we identify our role in a relationship, we can take care of the aspects that we can change and accept the ones we cannot. Also, by understanding the basics of relationships dynamics, we won’t go on blindly repeating past experiences over and over again or putting all the responsibility on ourselves or the other person to make the relationship better. By knowing what we offer and receive in relationships and acting upon that knowledge, we can learn how to change our patterns and ultimately avoid the pain and disappointment that unhealthy relationships bring.” (…)

Another purpose of this guidebook is to be the bridge between polarized views of “normalcy” and trauma in literature. Many people, including my clients, report that the majority of books mention cases of severe child abuse or extreme clinical family dysfunction. This displeases them because they feel it is not similar to their own case, and it also makes them feel guilty (apparently their life was pretty good compared to the people in the cases described). Though it is undeniable that extreme situations do cause trauma, less obvious deficiencies or “ordinary trauma” can be as equally damaging as abuse, leaving individuals unable to maintain healthy relationships. In this guide I will make reference to cases and people like you and me who are common, healthy and functional but who have some struggles dealing with relationships due to what I call “cracks” in the foundation.”

I will address relationship dynamics and how you can improve them by introducing you to something called attachment theory. This is the latest theory that explains human relationships and the nature of how we bond. Throughout this guide you will learn what attachment is and how you can earn a secure one…

In this journey you will gain insight into the following aspects:

  1. The innate need to relate, which we all experience as part of being human in order to survive. Relationships are the social being’s method of fulfilling physical, psychological, and social development. Healthy relationships produce the nourishment and security needed to live and thrive.

“The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to connect. The need for connection is our first and most primary instinct. Romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child.”- Susan Johnson, PhD.


2.  The reality that even though we believe we actively choose unique partners and relationships, we are still fully influenced by the unconscious.

“Partner selection is the result of an unconscious match between a mental image of one’s parents/caretakers, created in childhood (called Imago) and certain character traits of the attractive partner.”- Harville Hendrix, PhD.


3.  A review of your own relational history and experiences (internal/intrapersonal factors and external/environmental factors).

“Only in a relationship can you know yourself, not in abstraction, and certainly not in isolation.”- J. Krishnamurti.


4.  Typical mating patterns and how to determine your style.

“From suffering I have learned this: that whoever is wounded by love will never be made whole unless she embraces the very same love which wounded her.”- Mechtild of Magdeburg.


5.  An understanding of the idea that as adults we no longer have to be victims of our pasts. We can accept and love ourselves and others while working to change what we can change and accept what we cannot.

“At each moment we choose the intentions that will shape our experiences and those things upon which we will focus our attention. If we choose unconsciously, we evolve unconsciously. If we choose consciously, we evolve consciously.”- Gary Zukaw.


6.  If you are a parent you get an extra bonus! Because attachment is a universal need, the attachment view of love can also help parents understand conflicts with their children.

” When we get a better understanding of what love is really about, we can know how to sustain it and better nurture it with our partners and families.” – Susan Johnson, PhD.

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