Healthy love in action: Chapter Four


So after you be became more aware of all the underlying stuff that you and your partner bring to the picture individually it is time to make the change: retrain your brain to achieve healthy love and healthy relationships. It is more that changing your actions, which doesn’t last. It is changing the way you feel and think to become satisfied in love and also having a different version of it.  Therefore, the final and most challenging phase of healing your attachment style is to use all this information to train your brain differently.  As Lisa Firestone, PhD (2013) states, our attachment style is driven mostly by the limbic part of our brain and shapes our daily interactions. Individual differences in attachment style have an impact on affect regulation, information processing, and communication in close relationships because our internal working models shape our cognitive, emotional, and behavioral responses to others (Cassidy & Shaver, et al., 2008). Instead of letting your brain be in charge, you can take the driver’s seat and start observing and changing the way your brain (your attachment style) responds.

The best way to start is to carry all of your new found awareness to a current situation, slow down, and figure out how it applies to you. How can you now act differently? The next four steps will describe how we can:

  1. Embrace, validate and soothe our feelings
  2. Identify, challenge and rewrite cognitive distortions
  3. Identify new actions and possibilities based on healthy behaviors and secure relational attachment
  4. Maintain healthy behaviors while identifying ongoing obstacles

In this chapter we will get to describe how secure attachment looks like in daily, common interactions.

This is the answer to a question millions of people ask:  “what do normal people do or feel?” Well, we won’t get into the discussion about what “normal” and “not normal” is, since normal is more about the amount of people that do something or look a certain way than about the quality of the point in question. Instead, we can take a look at how healthy people function, which is what we truly want to achieve.

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