Relationships and Your Role: Chapter Three


Most people when they think of relationships improvement are thinking of changing their partner and not so much of working on themselves. We usually also tend to focus on what is healthy love or healthy relationships but on what we want and need. And that makes sense. Why? Because we are usually in survival mode and not really focused on what is best.

In this chapter you will learn and do the work in yourself so you can obtain the relationship that you are looking for from a healthier perspective.

Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment tend to continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations and unsatisfied needs from past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment, marital dissatisfaction and negative couple interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, they will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy.

In my experience, most people are willing to read books but not do the exercises. If you want to move your attachment style towards a more secure one, I encourage you to engage with these action steps from the start. Like anything else in life, you can’t develop muscle or lose weight by reading a book or looking at pictures. You have to do something about it! Changing your relational patterns works in the same way.


In this chapter, we will focus on some key strategies to help you “tune in” to your attachment style more deeply. Each part will lead you along a path to uncover, address, and reshape your internal working models by creating greater awareness in eight important areas:

PART ONE: Awareness of my current thoughts, feelings and behaviors

PART TWO: Awareness of my early attachment experiences

PART THREE: Awareness of my Imago

PART FOUR: Awareness of my true needs

PART FIVE: Awareness of my underlying childhood assumptions

PART SIX: Awareness of the root of my frustrations

PART SEVEN: Awareness of how I feel most taken care of

PART EIGHT: Awareness of hidden agendas and expectations

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